Chaos in the Tent - Leah's Story

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel by Alexander Leloir 1864

I rest with my back against the acacia tree.  The others in my family gather round the blazing fire as the night feels cool, but the child in my belly grows more restless with each passing day.  The heat of the fire makes my flesh feel heavy and the blood sting as it runs through my swollen body.  The breeze of the evening cools my skin, and the resistance of the tree eases the pain in my tired body.  

Acacia Tree

I watch my family.  Reuben and Simeon each hold sticks and wage war, kicking up dust clouds.  Rachel scolds them, and I laugh when she sneezes, and the boys only move their dance a few feet from their contrary aunt.  Little Levi has a stick too, but he draws in the dirt, his serious face intensely concentrating on whatever image he tries to conjure from the soil. The  servants even relax tonight.  The sheep are safe in the camp, returned from a season of foraging in the wilderness.  Food is plentiful.  No enemies threaten our safety.  This night is one of peace.

Until Jacob bursts into the circle, already many cups into the evening.  Jacob voices much congratulations to the shepherds on the safe return of the flocks.  He passes around his wine skin and everyone drinks freely.  Reuben and Simeon run to their father, and he hugs them then shoos them on their way.  Simeon returns to his game of swords, but Reuben lingers with the men, his face turned upward toward his father, eagerly searching for something.  

I understand that need.  A simple pat on the head or even a half smile would let the boy know he is seen - he has value to his father.  But no such tenderness comes so Reuben returns to his game with Simeon, the sword play more aggressive than I like.  Levi cocks his little head in the direction of his father, but seeming to understand any effort for affection would prove futile, he returns to his doodles in the sand.      

Bedouin Camp

My heart aches for my boys.  What have they done to deserve such indifference?  I think back to the first week I was Jacob’s wife.  I had no part in my father’s plot to deceive Jacob.  I did not know Jacob loved my sister.  What did I know of men and their manipulations?  I was a good daughter.  I was strong and worked diligently in our household.  Rachel was always gone with the sheep.  Rachel refused to work with the other women to provide for the needs of the family but preferred to sit and gossip and dream of a life outside our community.   So rather than endure the others complaining about her sloth, Laban sent her into the fields with a small flock where she could daydream and lounge the day away and not do damage to much of anything.

When Laban told me that I was to marry Jacob, I understood my role as a wife.  My mother had prepared me for such a wonderful day.  Even though I was scared and had never dared speak to Jacob, he was known throughout the community as a hard worker, dedicated to God, and jovial of spirit.  But he was not kind.  His anger terrified me, and I cowered in his tent on the night of our wedding.  Jacob and Laban shouted so loudly that the entire community could hear.  Jacob had not wanted to marry me at all.  Jacob had wanted to marry Rachel.  My shock and humiliation whirled like a dust storm in my mind.  I looked for a place to run and hide - hoping I lived only a terrible dream.  But it was not a dream. 

Jacob Confronts Laban by Nicolas Vleughels 1714

I closed my mind to that first week of my new life as a wife.  Jacob was not kind. 

I wondered if something within me died that week?  Even when Jacob finally got what he said he wanted and took Rachel to his bed, he never showed any kindness toward me.  I endured the attention he continued to force upon me.  But with no tenderness, I felt like one of his flock simply kept alive for breeding.

Over the years, I learned to avoid Jacob’s anger. I tenderly made his favorite foods and mended his garments and became whoever Jacob needed me to be to keep his outbursts from destroying all we were building together.  

When Reuben came, I knew Jacob would show me favor.  Surely a son and heir made me important in his eyes?  But just as the goat avoids slaughter because she produces sturdy, strong stock and copious milk, I fear the moment I cease being useful to Jacob, I will be sacrificed.  Would Jacob send me away if I quit bearing him sons?  Would Jacob leave me destitute or sell me to his enemy?  

Jacob Urging Leah and Rachel to Leave Laban by Peiter Symonsz Potter 1638

As if the baby in my womb feels my fear, it pitches and rolls, taking my breath.  I place both hands on my belly and feel the press of its little bottom against my flesh.  Little feet kick and flail against my spine, shaking me from my morose thoughts.  A tear slips down my check, and the wet sensation makes me realize the baby will be here soon.  Terror grips me.  Each birth can be the end of life.  Who will care for my children?  I know Rachel will not.  Zilpah will care for them, I pray.  

I press my back into the tree as the despair washes over me in waves.  The tears flow freely now, and I close my eyes against the pain.  As my breathing becomes heavy, I cry out to God.  Why am I unloved?  Why did my father cheat me into a marriage with one who does not care or want me?  Have I not been faithful?  Have I not given my life for my family?  Have I not dedicated my body and soul to Jacob and the advancement of his fortune and the worship of his God?  Have I not been obedient?  Have I not been loving and kind?  Why am I only shown anger or indifference?  Why, God, are you so cruel?

As the tears flow, I lie down in the dirt.  I wish this baby would take me away from my pain.  I wish the agony in my soul would cease.  The torture of being unloved - ignored - it is too much to bear.

Wind through an Acacia Tree

Through the haze of pain, I hear a whisper, the cool breeze blowing past my ear, tossing the hair slicked to my forehead with sweat.  

Leah,

I answer you when you call;

I will vindicate you;

I will free you from affliction;

I am gracious and hear your prayers.  

But you insult my honor!

You love what is worthless.

The Lord sets apart the faithful for Himself;

The Lord hears when you call to me;

Be angry but do not sin;

Let me put the joy in your heart.

You will lie down and sleep in peace.

You will live with me in safety.

I hear the voice repeat the beautiful refrain.  Let ME put the joy in your heart.  You will lie down and sleep in peace.  You will live with me in safety.  I am still.  I allow the presence of God of Jacob to wash over me, and for the first time in years, I feel peace.  

I must have slept because my body is cold and the fire only embers when Reuben gently shakes my shoulders.  As I open my eyes, his beautiful face glistens with worry.  He places his hands on my checks and asks if he can help me to my tent?  Do I need water?  Can I sit up? Such a kind, loving boy.

As I sit, the terrible pain of birth racks my body and a scream tears from my lips.  Zilpah runs toward me, and I am not so gently carried between Reuben and Zilpah to my tent.  Labor is not long but nothing can ease the pain of bringing forth life into this world.  

Leah by Michelangelo 1542

A son.  Another son.  Four strong and beautiful sons are my blessing from the Lord.  As I hold the squirming, screaming bundle to my chest, I weep.  

The Lord sets apart the faithful for Himself;

The Lord hears when you call;

Be angry but do not sin;

Let Me put the joy in your heart.

And for the first time since I became Jacob’s wife, joy overflows from my spirit, and I rejoice in the Lord.  rejoiced in my blessings and sing a song of hope.

Lord, I call to you my rock;

You listened to the sound of my pleading;

I cried to you for help and you heard my cry.

I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary;

Blessed be the Lord for he has heard the sound of my pleading;

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusts in him, and I am helped;

My heart celebrates, and I give thanks to him with my song.

I place the baby to my breast. I can hear Rachel wailing outside.  She and Jacob continue to scream at one another, but I remain at peace.  I will no longer love what is worthless.  I will put my trust in the Lord who sees the heartbroken and comforts the unloved.

“Judah.  His name will be Judah.  Because this time, I praise the Lord.”